Personal Growth

Over the last 60 days I have had a unbelievable amount of stress and after doing what I learned a very long time ago which was follow my gut I finally got to the bottom of some things.

I hold myself to a high moral standard and with that comes a lot of loneliness. I have had to eliminate a lot of people  from my life that I thought would always be there for me. It has lead me to follow my instincts and study human behavior because I can spot lying and betrayal out of thin air. I am rarely if ever wrong.

I know more than I say and see more than you think. Those that know me know I don’t hold my tongue and I don’t hold back what I think in my head. I am unlike most women you know.

If you are fake and your intentions are untrue and not honorable I will see right through you. This leads me to be a lone a lot. On the other hand those who I let in and I am close with know they have no greater advocate to stand up for them and by them when they are weak or ill or unable to stand up to bullies and manipulators.

Please don’t tell me you can handle me. I am not a person that can be handled. I have heard that from a lot of men. They all failed and most ended up calling my mother to figure out what to do with me. Which in itself makes me laugh.

With every event in my life I use it as a growth experience not only for myself but my children and those who are involved. When we go through rough times what do you do with the experience? Do you let it destroy you or do you learn from it and grow? Do not give someone else power over you to destroy you! Take it and look at it and see what happened and use it to better yourself. Life is about learning and growth.

 

Real Women

I see it all the time. Are there real women out there. You know the ones who don’t complain about everything can juggle is all are happy to make the men in their life happy, who like sex with their man and who have a zest for life. You know the ones who manage it all, cooking, cleaning, children, her work, her partner and still have fun in  life or are they just a myth?

I truly think this culture we have now has promoted so much independence that it has created selfish people with no regards for anyone but themselves. Yes it is important to make yourself happy but that doesn’t mean it is to come at a cost to those you love.

I see it all the time and hear from others complaining about their spouses or ex’s . It saddens me. I wonder what goes through those peoples minds about what they think their purpose in life is. If we aren’t here to love and help one another and have a good time then why are we here?

We all have our own interests and things we care about but that doesn’t mean that we have to be a bitch to do our own thing. It is okay to be good at things and not go after a man because of his money. Say what you mean and don’t lie and hide and be deceitful in any of your relationships. I would rather die knowing I didn’t bite my tongue and people knew where I stood on everything then thinking I was one way when I was hiding who I truly was my whole life.  Do not be afraid to be real and honest the right people will love you no matter what. The others were just there to see what you had to offer or what they could take from you.

Liking yourself

In my journey to liking myself I have come to realize more and more that I am a lot different than other women my age. I am mortified by the depletion of morals and values by women in my age range.

Acting like a whore and sleeping with everyone when married makes me want to vomit and the amount of men that have persuade me while they were married blows my mind. What happened to values and respecting yourself? I have never been that woman, the one who was more interested in immediate gratification then in waiting for the right person.

I not only like myself more but respect myself to the point that I would rather spend my time alone then be in a relationship with people who are only out for a quickie.

I have worked really hard to find myself again and like who I see in the mirror so I will not take any chances on lowering my standards. I am not putting myself on a pedestal but I remember being taught right from wrong as a child and then being raised by good people I want them to be proud of me.

Liking yourself has to start with being able to look in the mirror and liking what you see. I don’t always like how I look and am working on that but I like you I am and that is much more important. If people don’t like me it usually comes from the fact I challenge them in a way they are not comfortable with. When I make people uncomfortable they then run and say awful things about me in hopes to make me unappealing to others. It almost always back fires on them.

I don’t bite my tongue and say what I think. It does not mean that I am disrespectful just honest and most people can’t deal with that. So take a moment and look in the mirror past what you look like today and decide to you like who you are? Liking yourself is the first step toward freedom from the pains of your past.

Self-Esteem

Having self-esteem is something I think we have always struggled with from time to time. I have went through periods in my life that I didn’t even look in a mirror for more then a split second to make sure that I looked presentable and then turned away from it.

I seem to struggle more now then I used to. My personality is INFJ  and so I tend to be harder on myself then normal. I’m a perfectionist who is trying to reform myself and it is a daily struggle. I have noticed that I have missed things because I can’t  leave things undone. My house, laundry, barns everything cleaned and put away has become a obsession. I see it as a direct reflection of myself which to me reflects my self-esteem.

When I decided to take my life back over 7 years ago it was a long process that is still a ongoing process but the difference now is I welcome the change and know that it will boost my self-esteem. I know that the reason why I don’t have very many close female friends is because I scare other women. I take no crap and I don’t hold my tongue. I don’t care what others think of me and I stand up for those who have been wronged with no regard for those who hurt them.

Self-esteem for me doesn’t come from others. Some days I feel awful like a lot of us do but most days I know that I have life by the horns and while others from my past still seek to destroy me I know that I will come out on top and that good will always win and whatever life throws at me it better be prepared for what I throw back! I have a hell of a left hook!

Drama!

So a Drama Queen reared her ugly head in my face today! I was face to face with someone who lives and breathes drama and was trying her best to upset my happy quiet life by manipulating someone who she thought she could control.

Truth and honesty seem to shut down the drama machine to those who truly don’t want to be a part of it. It is so easy to get sucked into the drama and the lies and manipulation.

I really truly wonder what is wrong with people who like too live that way! Those that want to upset other peoples lives because they enjoy it and don’t like to see people happy and succeeding or having a better life then them are sick people.

I have learned that by eliminating those drama people from my life that I have gotten to a more peaceful place in my life. I was told not very long ago that is why some people like me is because I don’t deal with the drama and I don’t put up with bullshit from anyone!

I will call you out on your crap in front of God and everyone. I am honest and I want what is best for those I care about not what is best for me. I am not a selfish person and I look out for those I care about.

So for my stalkers who think I won’t take you on let me tell you this. I know right from wrong and have been cleaning up some of your bullshit messes for a while now. I will no longer keep my mouth shut to satisfy others. I am old enough and smart enough that I do not have to use my fist like a teenage girl to fight you are your friends and your drama loving ways but I will not stand by and let you manipulate and destroy those people I care about without standing up for what is right. So take this as your notice that I know what you are up too and I will not stay silent anymore!

 

Sensitive Soul

I have always been sensitive not the kind of woman who cries at the drop of a hat but one who senses when something is going on when someone isn’t being honest or trying to hide things. I found out recently that I am one of the most rarest personality types INFJ. I am sensitive to all situations. I know things before people are ready to tell me and when I am pay attention to myself and my surroundings and the people I am involved with I know more then I care too.

I have gotten myself into bed situations because I decided to ignore  my senses. I think that is why I have become a bit of a loner and have eliminated so many people from my life. It is not that I don’t like people I have found it to be some what more peaceful at this point in my life. So many people seem to have a issue with being honest and upfront and after all the betrayal and abuse I have been through I find it better for me.

I do have friends but I keep them at arms length. It has become my protective barrier to save myself the pain of I keep finding myself in.

This week has been extremely difficult and no matter what I do my past just doesn’t seem to want to leave me alone.  Reminding me of bad decisions and that I have not only put myself through but my children. It has lead me to not trust and send my super sensitive personality on high alert.  It doesn’t mean it is right but it is what it is. I am still working with my counselor to work through my past and trust issues but it is not a easy process.

I can’t become nonsensitive or tone it down. I feel to much and share to little. I think that is why I have my animals. They don’t betray me or hurt me. My horses, dogs and cats are always there when others have hurt me.

Rumors

Petty people and being self absorbed is a lot different than minding your own business and not following the crowd. When you are living for yourself and striving to do good not only for yourself but for others. Following the Golden Rule and having a positive impact on the people you come in contact with will serve you better then being selfish and only serving yourself.

When we take the time to consider that we are all fighting battles and decide to be kind to each other and not let the devil run our mind and our mouth we will reap more benefits than we can possibly imagine.

Do good, speak good and when confronted with negative cruel people do not bite your tongue. Speak up for yourself in a positive manner and confront the bully and shut them down.

Your world and the world as a whole will be a lot better place to be when we live a honest true life and not fall into the sad world of being self absorbed and bitter.

Everyday!

I know you have heard this before, “Live your truth”. What does this mean to you? I took a lot of time to think about this and I think that is how I found my way back to myself again. I had done something really stupid about 11 years ago that took me down a dark dangerous path. I was told don’t be yourself. If you want this relationship to work then you can’t be you. So like a dip shit I listened.

When I decided that I was worth living for. Not for my family or my children but for me! I really decided that I was going to find me again and start living my life honestly. I speak my mind and show my love and do my best to be honest in my life.

I do not hide things from my children or anyone for that matter. I have found that I am happier and feel better about myself since I decided to do this. I take no shit from anyone and I don’t hide the fact if I don’t like someone. That does not mean I am rude just honest. There is a difference.

I am living for me no one else. I am my top priority. I know others say that that put their children or spouse first but when I do that everyone suffers. Taking care of myself first brings peace and happiness to everyone around me because they are not suffering because of my bad mood. This is difficult for some people but for me I have found it extremely beneficial.

So take some time and find time for you! put yourself first and see hoe fast everything else falls into place.

It is never over

I have been at that point when I thought my life was over. I was at such a low point that I was sure that life was over and I was sure that my life wasn’t going to get better. I have lost a ton of my material possessions and had to file bankruptcy so I could start over. Starting over is never easy and digging yourself out of the whole that you got in is definitely not a fun time but I have learned more about myself in the last six years then I ever have.

I was truly at the bottom and while I have not gotten back on top so to speak I have definitely gotten out of the whole. I am constantly making modifications to my goals because life happens but I am slowly and surely plugging forward everyday towards my goals.

Ridding myself of the drama and life sucking people in my life has helped tremendously! It was not a easy decision but so well worth it. I was making bad decisions and choices because of the negative people around me. Now that I am on the others side looking in I am amazed at others who don’t see the situation they are in but I know that they must figure it our for themselves. I am on my own journey.

I have a small circle of support that I can trust but I am very happy that I am on the right track. I have a tendency to get sidetracked with my children and their lives but I am feeling more like the tortoise than the hare. Slow and steady is slowly wining the race!

Moving on!

I was hesitant about posting this this morning. I still sometimes find myself worried about what others think. I still worry about hurting someones feelings. After some perspective today I decided to be honest with myself and share what I write no matter what.

I know some people may say that this saying doesn’t apply to them because they are still friends with their ex. While I have said this myself and have felt this way at one time about a ex I really don’t think it is true.

That relationship didn’t survive for a reason or maybe multiple reasons. Personally I have found that a relationship didn’t work out for not just one reason but multiple reasons.

Do some people try again and make it work a second time? Yes I am sure they do. Personally once a relationship is over for me that is it. I can remain friends with my ex for the most part but that is as far as it goes.

I really don’t find a purpose in punishing myself again by dating someone a second time. If it didn’t work the first time then why go through all the pain and agony of trying again.