I have looked for love my whole life with no success. I have this inherent need to feel wanted. That put me into really unhealthy relationships, most of the time I do not feel wanted or needed. I think maybe it is because I have been used so much by every man I have ever had a relationship with.
I know my children and parents love me and want me and need me, but finding love and feeling wanted by a partner is something that I have not found.
Being alone even in relationships my whole life have left me even more lonely then if I would have been single. When you are single you don’t have expectations and no one to let you down. Every long lasting relationship I have had I was cheated on, lied to, used and abused in just about every way you can think of.
I don’t blame the men I was with for all of it and not every one was a abusive relationship but different forms of cheating and misuse were there. I take full responsibility for tolerating the bullshit that I was put through. I should have put my foot down a long time ago but I don’t know if I would be the same person I am today.
I decided after my last failed relationship that I was done for while and I was taking time for myself and my boys. I want to not just be wanted but to be loved. Not like in the movies but in a real relationship. Someone who will take me for who I am and stand up for me when I am being attacked. I am looking for the best friend I have never had. Finding someone who I trust and can tell all my secrets too. Someone who knows I will always be there for them.
I have said that who ever I end up with will be extremely lucky not because I am that awesome but because I have done so much for those that didn’t deserve it I can’t imagine what I will do for someone who deserves it.